new motto

Shut up.

i want to be a good teacher =(

The holiday vacation is almost over. I am very much frustrated that I haven’t done any substantial accomplishment on checking plates and papers and associating grades with them. Today is the 31st of December, tomorrow is the first of January, and the day after tomorrow is a Monday, the day classes resume for the university.

With the little time I have left, I feel more pressure in preparing forward lessons than checking backward evaluation. And more than that, the passion seems much stronger. I was in the shower when this hit me, that I am far from perfect right now, but surely I must be on the right direction.

For I am essentially a teacher, not a grader. When my students go out into their careers after college, it will be less about the grades they earned from me, but more about the lessons they learned from me.

resilience

I learned that word from a friend. I knew it was used to describe a material property, he taught me it can describe people’s ability to bounce back from life situations as well.

So, I’ve been having another very long episode of despair. It’s a shame. I find myself a fake for seeming shiny happy outside but deeply dark and miserable inside. But, this article in my mail I read by chance reminded me that I still have my mind and I still have my words and the universe still makes room for me, I can still do something about my future.

I am tempted to enumerate the mistakes I consider as the start of my ruin, but I ‘d rather not for today. I would like to hold on to this ounce of positivity and confidence. Besides, it’s “Christmas.”

I’m going to bounce back. I will be completely responsible for my life. It would be nice to get God involved, but I still need to fix my status with Him and get right with my sincerity. Especially since I sort of think that some of my mistakes are partially His fault. (Forgive me, Father, I do not know what I am saying. But I am allowed to say them nonetheless, right?)

Happy birthday, Jesus. I’m sorry I didn’t prepare at all for the season. I’m sorry I have strongly correlated it with the amount of my surplus. I thank You that You haven’t struck me with lightning and You still let me have my sons with me. Please hold me up in these waters I have drowned myself into. Amen.

not religion; relationship

I continue to find myself blessed despite my sins and shortcomings. With this, I am more convinced that my God is more than an author of dos-and-don’ts.

Lately, I find myself approaching Him propelled by gratefulness and shame: a realization of receiving though not deserving. This is very different from praying out of perceived duty. In the past I have operated on thinking that I should be good so that He would reward me, but God’s moves show me that He rewards me despite. And that inspires me to be good, naturally.

Once again I have been allowed to appreciate the amazing ironies that come with my true God: that He does not require a religious follower out of me; He pursues a relationship with me. (Imagine that…)

UAP finally

I just got home from a UAP dinner: it was for Barasoain’s 14th Charter Anniversary and induction of new members. It’s out-of-the-ordinary that I actually went; even my mom thought it was odd that I did. It’s been seven years since I got my license and only now that I’ve joined the professional organization. Some would say it’s long overdue. I say it’s just about time…

Because it’s only now that I’m finding my heart in the practice.

My heart: not my dad’s, not my classmates’, not my partners’. Mine: what three years away from construction made me miss, what one sem in the academe made me long for, what Singapore sparked, what SketchUp suggests. It’s gonna be a long and arduous journey, but now I’m taking it on my own will. Sure feels different. But real.

So help me God.

Privacy is the best policy

Enough said.

good read

The Good, the Bad and the Freelancer « Lorena’s Epiphany.

long time no blog

That says a lot…

What I got out of yesterday:

1. I was wrong about Michael Graves.
2. I appreciate him now in a different way, thanks to insights from Cher.
3. I have to sketch again. I definitely have to.
4. I need to brush up on my 3D CG, too. My SketchUp is sleeping.
5. If I can’t make it crawl around, I gotta make it stand up high. Vertical development is good uh-huh.

smilin’ myself =)